I have not written anything the past months. The reason is not that there was nothing to write about, in fact there was too much. Between the election of trump, upcoming elections in Germany and France and some scandals of celebrities I like there were plenty of little things in my life I had something to say about.
Instead of writing I spent the time watching stuff online – consuming instead of producing. I felt diseased, addicted even. The inability to stop consuming while time passes is probably the most crippling in my life. It is like fast forwarding your life – no meaningful thing happens and even the content of whatever watched is forgotten fast, especially after binge watching whole series of this or that awesome show. It really has no perks at all – not even relaxation.
While watching tv does help me to relax my brain when I am unable to have anymore social interaction I usually neglect my body’s needs. Sitting crouched, eating crap, not hydrating properly and breathing shallowly I usually feel afterwards like I need a holiday from my “relaxation”. I wonder how people relaxed before the moving pictures. In “little women” one of them always reads to the others, however, as a mother I know that reading to someone is definitely not relaxing and I would need a whole lot of getting read to in order to relax from the reading to others!
When I told a friend about this she was so dismissive of it though. “No, this is not an addiction. Everybody talks about addictions these days; it is so over the top.” But when I described how I sit there fully knowing that I should turn it off, that I will regret not turning it off, that I will feel terrible for nor not getting stuff done again because of this and still my hands just will not perform the task, she was like “Oh, wow – that DOES sound like an addiction!”.
I tried napping. Napping is a beautiful thing to rest the body, but my mind just never shuts up. Insomnia has been a major problem during my life since childhood. I have always had a really hard time falling asleep, but during my teens I also could not stay asleep which in a way is even worse. Sometimes I would wake up every 15 minutes!
This went away when I started staying awake excessively and spent my days in a state of extreme exhaustion. Maybe this has messed with my ability to fall asleep even more because now I can’t fall asleep without exhaustion at all anymore. So whenever I try to be a responsible adult and go to bed at a reasonable time at night to be rested for work the next day I just lay awake for hours with what feels like a think-cramp. If those internal monologues were somehow transferred to writing I could have published many books by now. Sadly, most of those times I am too tired to write.
So basically what I am trying to say here is that I am sorry for neglecting everybody’s entertainment and that the reason for this is that I am also fighting some personal demons.
Have a wonderful week 🙂