Lady Celery

weekly wyrdness

Some Violent Thoughts.

Most people think women are all peaceful and soft, and while I am not someone getting into physically violent situations I do have violent fantasies that are not very feminine. I  feel bad about some of them and know that most of them are not deserved. They are, however, only fantasies and as such not a crime. Please enjoy the following list and know that those are just fantasies, not plans.

When someone sitting next to me makes a sexist comment I imagine to get up, take my chair and beat them with it over and over into a bloody mess and then keep beating them with that chair over and over until I am completely exhausted and then throw away the chair and jump into that bloody mess and tear it apart while laughing hysterically and throw around pieces of that asshole and stomp and dance around in it.

When I am in a schooling situation and the teacher makes no sense at all I imagine taking out a knife and stabbing them over and over like Cesar was stabbed even after he was already dead. And I linger on the image of my knife sliding into their abdomen and then turning it and feeling how I destroy the tissues and organs.

When the father of my child lies and manipulates to get power while avoiding responsibility and says to child services he has the child so much he should not pay full child support even though he only has it 5 times a year and lies to me to get shared custody I imagine to burn him at the stake and dance around the fire madly laughing and shrieking. Then I imagine to take the ashes and spit at them and yell into them what a stupid fucking asshole he is. (Legal disclaimer: The described situation is purely fictional and bears no similarity to reality. Any similarities to real life situations are purely by chance.)

The above applies to whenever I was lied to and manipulated. Sometimes combined or alternating with the stabbing.

When I see my rapist in town I want to delete his life and my memory of him. Since that is not possible I seek inspiration in the movie “the wrong victim” in which the victim kidnaps the asshole, drugs and castrates him. I would not drug him. Pain relieve is for patients not predators.

When I am out and about in town and someone is generally an asshole and yells at me because I am a fucking woman and apparently that means that other people are entitled to criticize my every move (my favorite situation: a woman in the supermarket yelling at me for buying fruit at the supermarket and not at the farmers market. This literally happened to me. I also still cannot believe it. This is pure fact. Also other similar situations happened to me, about which I will write at another time.) I imagine to tear their body open and weir their ribcage as a hat.  And yes, this was a quote from my favorite post- “interview with a vampire” series “true blood” said by Bills maker in an awesome scene to Sookie, played by the amazing and bisexual Anna Paquin. I loved this show. If you hate vampire stuff you will hate this show. But everybody with functioning eyes and ears will love the intro. into which I imagine to sink forever whenever I see it. Please watch it. It`s amazing.

Maybe you can identify with some of these things- feel better because you are not alone. Maybe not. You can now feel good about yourself because you are saner than at least one person. Have a wonderful week.

5 great uses for your period blood, you didn’t know about.

Did you know that you are throwing away an amazing life aid every single month since your menstrual blood can be used for so much more than just the perfect Halloween costume! I give you 5 amazing new uses for YOUR period blood:

1) Face mask

Did you know that your period blood is packed with growth hormones, nutrients and anticoagulants and will take years off your face while also avoiding leech cruelty.

2) Fertilizer

Your period blood has everything that will turn your pot plants into a lush jungle (after molding) and is the perfect organic fertilizer!

3) Sacrificial blood

You always wanted to get into voodoo but you are a bit squeamish about tearing off a chicken’s head? Period blood will provide similar theatrics while being animal friendly!

4) Pranking

Do you want to see the face of your significant other when they realize that the “strawberry jam” they are eating is really your period blood? Your period blood in any old canning jar is amazing to create fun memories!

5) Painting

You are a budding artist and in desperate need to make disturbing art? Or just poor? Use human blood and save money while appealing to buyers at the same time!

I really hope you liked my suggestions for using your period blood, if you have other suggestions, please contact me…


Preventing breast cancer using preventative induced lactation

When we are educated about breast cancer prevention, what is most often talked about is going to your check ups. However, this is not preventive at all, it is early detection.

So what can you do to prevent breast cancer? I assume you never smoked, you do not drink alcohol, you work out and eat your veggies. You already have cleaned up your personal environment (for example cleaning agents, furniture and food) but you also want to something actively that goes beyond these standard recommendations.

Induce lactation.

It was only a couple of weeks ago when stumbled across a you tube video from this woman who decided to induce lactation to prevent breast cancer. This really blew my mind. Of course I know that doctors recommend breastfeeding for mothers to reduce risks of breast and ovarian cancer but this just seemed like another way to pressure us out of our physical autonomy and into having babies. Simply inducing lactation for the health benefits had never crossed my mind before watching this video and it is just far enough out there to be compelling to me. While I have already breastfed, never took the birth control pill and live healthy (breast cancer risk next to 0) I have been feeling a bit concerned about my breast health. After I stopped breast feeding my breasts were very soft and felt like the tissue was perfectly supplied (free of any knots and bumps). However, for about a year they have been slowly developing back into their pre-pregnancy state, which means lumpy and knotty especially during PMS (I have „dense” breast tissue). I know that this is due to me having naturally high prolactin and estrogen, not cancer, but I also know that breasts with this type of tissue develop breast cancer more frequently.

Who should do lactation induction?

If you do not know when you are going to have children or do not want to have children or if you do not want or did not breast feed your children or if cancer runs in your family or you have “dense” breast tissue. The younger you are the better. If your daughter is 15, tell her about this. As soon as the physical development is completed and fertility achieved, lactation may be induced. Even after menopause this is an option for you. If you are already older, you maybe want to have a breast exam before doing this, even though I do not recommend a mammogram right before lactation, but an ultrasound is a good replacement and in fact more accurate.

If you try this and are on any type of medication (included herbal and birth control) or have health risks, it would probably be wise to get as informed as possible about how this might influence the lactation and how the lactation might influence your illness. By this I mean ask three doctors, the internet, two books, a pharmacist, a nurse, a healer, others who have the same problem, listen to your own intuition and then use your intelligence.

So today I decided to give it a try. And here is how I am going to do this:

First I will order my supplies:

Breast pump

Breast pump holder

I already have some soft bras (not under wired, this is very important as underwired bras during lactation can give you mastitis)

Nursing bra pads

Nipple cream

Fenugreek and milk thistle supplements


I decided to do the following procedure:

On the first day of my period I will start with the supplements, breast pumping and nipple stimulation in the morning, after work and before bed. This way I can use the natural hormonal changes during my menstrual cycle to support lactation induction. On the weekends I might add sessions when it feels promising (twinging and tingling breasts).

I will avoid peppermint and sage tea as I have successfully used These herbs for weaning.(When I stop the experiment I will replace my supplements with a strong sage tea each night after pumping and mornings and drink peppermint tea throughout the day whenever I feel thirsty)

There are medications to support lactation induction, but I have decided against using them as they are a strain on the liver and kidneys and I do not believe in preventing one disease while giving myself another.

I decided to use a one sided electric breast pump to manually stimulate the other side while one side pumps. While I do this I will look at baby pictures or nursing babies and listen to crying babies (when I was still nursing, hearing a baby cry at the doctor gave me a wet shirt once, so I know that my body responds to this trigger).

I will try this for three months and see if I can stimulate breast milk. If it works, I will keep it up for about one year. I find that the breast really changes very positively between 6 months and one year of breast feeding, so I will try to replicate this. I will donate the milk to a local hospital and have the chance to help others and myself at the same time.

Or I might want to try a cappuccino while staying officially “vegan”…


How to take a relaxing bath (for girls)

Have you ever taken a bath and realized that it was not relaxing at all?
Here are the 29 easy steps to taking a relaxing bath (for girls):

Step 1) Get all the necessary supplies.

Step 2) Call the bulky waste removal.

Step 3) Declutter your basement, attic and apartment and have everything removed.

Step 4) empty all your cupboards, shelves and drawers, clean on the inside and declutter

Step 5) Dust your walls, ceilings and Lamps.

Step 6) Paint your apartment / house.

Step 7) Freshen up your pot plants.

Step 8) Do everything on your to-do list.

Step 9) Wash your windows.

Step 10) Wash your floors.

Step 11) Bring out the garbage.

Step 12) Wash your laundry.

Step 13) Wash and tidy anything that has not so far been cleaned or tidied.

Step 14) Wash and tidy your bathroom. Pay special attention to the bathtub

Step 15) Take a shower and exfoliate.

Step 16) Do all the necessary epilating and waxing.

Step 17) Take a shower and do all the necessary shaving.

Step 18) Exercise vigorously.

Step 19) Eat whatever you should eat after exercising according to your own convictions.

Step 20) Take a shower.

Step 21) Wash your laundry and bring out the garbage.

Step 22) Make sure you will not be disturbed (Kids to grandma, turn off the doorbell and
all electronic devices).

Step 23) Put on the right type of music.

Step 24) Light candles.

Step 25) Get a glass or Wine / Tea (depending on your personality).

Step 26) Get a book / a vibrator or both depending on your personal preferences.

Step 27) Run your bath.

Step 28) Apply a face-mask.

Step 29) Enjoy your bath.

I am a prepper (a little bit)

When I was 17, while I was living in a home for teenage girls with troubles, we did a survival training during one of our holidays. This meant making shelter, maintaining a fire, a semi-shamanic ritual (no drumming) and cooking on the fire. For me it also meant getting nicotine poisoning from inhaling the smoke of 500g burnt tobacco during the ritual. I spent one entire afternoon vomiting and a night freezing because my irresponsible shelter buddy had allowed the fire to go out while I was incapacitated from exhaustion.

Long story short- I lOVED it! I have been wanting to repeat the experience ever since (but hopefully without the vomiting). However, there was never enough money, or put differently, the money that was there I had prioritized differently or wanted to save for emergencies. Now for the first time in my life I have decided to spend a large (for me) amount of money on my own pleasure and signed up for a one week intensive training with “Earth Trail” during the summer. The rules are: 3.5 kg of pack + sleeping bag and mat for the last night.

So basically I made a gigantic list of stuff that I will assemble, and then see how much I have to leave behind because of its weight.

And here is my list:




Health and hygiene




Other equipment

Good pair of outdoor pants with big pockets


Natural soap


Multi tool

1 pair of soft pants

Natural skin care





Sun screen


Knife sharpener

Extra socks and underpants

Water sterilization tablets

dried vegan jerky

Fire starter

2 comfortable sports bras


Anti bug spray



Cap (for nights)

Menstrual cup


1 extra shirt





1 warm jumper



Civilization tools

Fishing line

1 under shirt (for nights)




1 military poncho


Mobile phone

Plastic bags

1 good jacket

Nail file

Personel ID

Freezer bags

Hiking boots

Needle and yarn

Money card

2L Water bottle

Very light sandals

Safety pins


1 pot for cooking

Protective gloves

Moist tissues (biodegradabe)


1 pot for washing / or

Glasses and sun glasses




Shower bag

Cotton cloth


Natural toothpaste



Folding shovel

1 Hat (for sun)

Comb / brush




1st aid:




2 Rescue blankets




Char coal tablets


Antiseptic burn creme


Bandages and plasters


Anti-inflammatory creme


Wound desinfection


Wound pad


mineral tablets for rehydration

Flush right in italic are things that I could probably make or find easily /are not totally essential. I do realise, that a lot of those things are luxuries but not having them would add a lot of work and discomfort especially since I am not in used to wilderness situations currently.

Did I forget anything?

Also I have great plans for further preparation, like actually sticking to my entire sportive regimen in the three months before the training and loading up on vitamins and minerals to be in top shape and also fasting a couple of days to get used to the feeling and learn again how to deal with low food supply. Let’s see how that goes…

So in the mean time (until August) I annoy everybody around me with my excitement about navigation by the stars while secretly worrying about how on earth I am going to get my private parts washed without anyone else actually seeing me do this.

Have a wonderful week🙂


Living in dark times (literally) / feeling like shit

The little hours with Aubrey Plaza – a movie review

Short: It is amazing, watch it!


The movie produced by Aubrey Plaza is based on a story in the Decamerone by Giovanni Boccaccio (first story, third night). I have been looking forward to this movie coming out for months as is centers around my favourite themes: nuns, witches and bisexuality (this movie is about witchy bisexual nuns). Pure perfection. You might be wondering how these subjects fit together and the full truth is that I do not know entirely. I did go to catholic school though and my high school was a girl’s school run by nuns. I have always been fascinated with monastic life and Catholicism specifically.

It is probably Feminism in its purest form as those in all female groups tend to exhibit a competence and capability in all things as well as deep friendships (I want to say cameradarie, but then that would be more male) while uninhibited by social norms and expectations. The stereotypical “bitchyness” in my experience manifests only when at least one male is present or when at least one woman was raised extremely traditional into believing that the male is better and nececcary for the female to be complete thus blaming all imperfections on the male absence (ironically it is also those women who talk the worst shit about men when they are present, like that they can not even accomplish simple tasks eg. washing the dishes…)

Back to the movie: I do not find that it depicts catholics or nuns accurately as they are at present but you have to remember that back in the day a lot of women who were a bit unruly or seemed “unfit” for marriage (more in the Lillith than the Eva department) were forced into monastic life and had maybe no desire or disposition to stick to the restraints and rules. If I imagine myself back then I probably would have acted a bit like those women (maybe a lot).

The only criticism I have about this film is that the aggressions displayd by the nuns are not acted convincingly. As whole I think the movie is funny, interesting and very aesthetic and is great entertainment.

Watch it!

What movies taught me about relationships

While you might not believe the ways in which Hollywood moovies portray relationships, I feel they still influence how we interact. So here is a list of bullshit right out of Hollywood:

If you really hate someone at first, he is probably your soul mate

It is totally acceptable to lie and manipulate in order to maneuver someone into a relationship

Lying in the beginning of a relationship is not only accepted, but also expected and nececcary.

While a romantic scene for a hetero couple always involves sex, lesbians just hold each other fully dressed (Jenny’s wedding).

If you completely embarrass your (lesbian) partner in front of your entire homophobic family, she will be totally ok with it (also Jenny’s Wedding).

Men are totally happy to raise other men’s children (The Back-up Plan).

If you have a child with a man he is probably your soul mate (unless he abused you).

If a man does not water the lawn, you should get a divorce (Jenny’s Wedding).

If a Man contributes more to a relationship than the woman, that is ok. If he contributes less, he is an asshole.

Feminists are too ugly date.

Right after almost getting gang-raped, women really want to have sex (Spartacus).

Women’s bodies do not suffer from pregnancy. When the fat is gone, they are fine.

Men really change when they found their soul mate.

Women are unbelievably annoying and crazy and only bearable because they have a fuck hole.

Hot women like beer / sports / computer games.

If you put your penis into a woman’s Vagina and do 3 to 5 positions, she will have an orgasm.

If you orally stimulate a woman’s clitoris she will DEFINATLY have an orgasm.

Everybody wants and should have a relationship. If you say you do not want one, it means you can’t get one and are pathetic.

Have a wonderful week:-)

Senior high

Every morning when I leave the house I quickly read the headlines of my neighbor’s newspaper and the occasional short article (mostly because I want to procrastinate going out into the cold harsh world and ride my bike to work). Today a text on the increasing number of severe traffic accidents involving e-bikes caught my eye. According to this author, especially senior citizens are involved into such accidents. Also he mentions that there is a panel of experts looking into the influence of weed, illegally tuned bikes (faster than 25km/h) and hit and runs.

While I applaud this spirit of enterprise, I do find it highly disturbing, that apparently there are people becoming victims of a hit and run by a high 70 year old on a “tuned” bike. Wrap your mind around that…

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